Tongue 'N' Cheek...

I was in need of something to keep me dry among other things. This desiccant-desire led me to the ultra-mega-mart where I intended to buy deodorant, groceries, and a short list of other odds-n-ends. As I entered the store I grabbed the first available cart that appeared to be low in visible  fecal-content, unhindered by shoddy wheels, and of reasonably low-risk for tetanus (note: this was not the kind of cart with electronic-propulsion, power-steering, and a seemingly infinite carrying-capacity). After having procured this buggy I scurried towards the hygiene section of the store with a repulsed form of urgency as it had seemed as though all too many of the other shoppers were somehow oblivious to such a section and were in great need of its wares.

After having yielded to several sects of chaotic children, short-tempered speed-shoppers, and scatty-strollers I eventually reached the deodorant aisle. I had held my breath as I'd made most of my way into this scented-section, and there was a welcomed sense of relief as I'd inhaled the artificially-aromatic air and placed a plastic plank of anti-stank into the buggy. The clank of plastic against the pseudo-metal of the cart seemed to cue a recently added advertising station into blaring-away from the adjoining dental aisle.

The words that came blasting out of this automated-ad-station seemed as if they were being emitted from some alternate-reality where irony had either never existed or had developed quite differently than I could have previously imagined. In a non-whimsical, totally dead-pan, and infomercially dry tone the ad-voice read the words as if they had been recited from an encyclopedia.

"...the only tongue 'n' cheek toothpaste."

My mind seemed incapable of processing these words, and my only response was to wonder if there might have been some kind of product next to the laxatives or colon-cleansers that might have remedied my mental digestive tract in a similar manner. Alas, after having perused the many digestive aids no such cognitive-cleansers seemed to have been developed and approved for consumer use at that time. Without such a product and with no known holistic alternative I was forced to strain my cognitive-kegels in order to force these words out of my mental-meatus.

With a rictus grimace not unlike that of someone perched in horror over a chemical-toilet whilst abiding an onslaught of abusive pounding upon the none-too-secured plastic door plank and expletive-laden demands to expedite excremental evacuations my mind pondered... Surely, there must have been some intentional jest in this ad... Perhaps the editor had mistakenly used the wrong take of that ad-line... Maybe the tooth-people had hired some kind of avant-garde director that had been lobotomized just before they'd produced the ad... Someone must have signed-off on the final cut of it though...

I looked for some sign that perhaps I was all-together wrong about the ad. As shoppers walked by I waited for one of them would exclaim how they'd been waiting for a toothpaste that could cleanse their entire mouth just like the 3-in-1 body-wash/shampoo/conditioners they used on their scalp and back hair. If even one person would have picked out that particular toothpaste with a look of clear intentional discretion I could have perhaps sensed at least a subtle sense of this senseless ad-affliction subsiding.

No such remedy could be found in the aisles that day. Instead I was forced to suffer in silence until I could return home and push it all out with the rest of these words I've written here. I can only hope that my sentient-systems will recover to a state of more or less normal functioning, and produce more modest samples in due time. For anyone else that might have been similarly afflicted I hope that these words are of some assistance to you. If there happens to be a class-action law-suit pending with regards to the adverse affects of this ad please refrain from informing me. I've been bound-up by such things for far too long as it is.

...Merdre! As a result of all this I forgot to buy more TP!!!