CryptoKids...

Lets face it, life is hard and nothing makes it harder than being a parent. In all honesty, raising kids isn't even all that much fun a lot of the time, and it's become so expensive that it seems impossible to ever even afford to put a valuable effort into it given how many horrific hours you have to work for such pathetic pay and how exhausted you are as a result of all that hard work. To make things even more exasperating, your kids never seem to understand why your latest free trial of EphemeralGreens doesn't seem to pep you up enough to enjoy a game of running around in circles after them like an Ouroboros-Phoenix hybrid on designer amphetamines after another day of burning yourself from both ends at your hellfire horror show of a job which only affords you the opportunity to keep spinning around the ever-increasingly abysmal core of what your existence has become as all your ambitions and dreams swirl down the drain in front of your eternal downward spiral into nothingness and evaporates any existential equilibrium from your soul as well. They also fail to comprehend why there isn't an infinite money tree growing out of that latest lump you found the other day and couldn't afford to have checked out by a doctor eve if it actually did turn out to be a mystical and infinite money tree. Often times you probably feel so unappreciated by those little bundles of self-centered cells you were so certain would bring your life infinitely more fulfillment when you'd decided not to go through with an abortion that your head spins and aggravates that spinal injury which only appeared as a result of straining yourself to carry them around instead of hearing them scream about how tired they were that one time...

You've certainly stared at the ceiling on one of those sleepless nights of either their loud shrieks or your own silent sobs and wondered wearily why there isn't a better way. Well Guess What Shoulder Slumping Parents- NOW THERE IS- With CRYPTO KIDS!!! 

What is Crypto Kids?

Crypto Kids is a revolutionary crowd sourced scheme platform which allows you to truly invest in your future as well as your child's! Think of it as a Crypto-derivatives based exchange tied to a fantasy sports gambling booking type of format where your kids are optioned as NFT style equity assets. But don't be discouraged if this sounds too complicated, we're making it easy- or at least easier than raising your kids on your own. Not only that, but you don't even have to be a parent to capitalize on our revolutionary platforms unlimited profitability potential. AND ITS SOOOO MUCH FUN TOO.

How it Works...

Parents can abandon invest their kids into our private institutional systems which function more or less like schools and orphanages in exchange for crypto credit-tokens. Our faculty of former lion-tamers, disgraced priests, tin-foil hat enthusiasts, and other desperate vagrants will work for equally valuable crypto tokens to raise your children for you in no less of a futile attempt to ensure they don't end up as sociopathic scammers and predators devoid of the slightest shred of a soul or overly empathetic, de-anthropomorphized, hyper-color plush-covered, pseudo-marsupial gendered, psycho-sexual fur-things. Each child will be given a market-evaluation and put up for auction as an NFT tracked and profiled on our proprietary block-chain. Their value will be updated periodically based on their scholastic performance, job market prospect-projections, and any assets which may be attached to them in the form of things like inheritance, grow-fund-me donations, and other assets associated with them. You will be able to bet on every aspect of your child's life as well as any of our other Crypto Kids. Just like fantasy sports, you can place crypto-token bets on what scores they will get on their next exams, how many points they might score in the next little league game, or what scholarships they'll be offered upon graduating from our profitable institutions. You can add, trade, and sell Crypto Kids from your roster and pit them against other Crypto Kids rosters to make bank on their every trivial achievement. Then you can invest the earnings back into their future, use them to purchase other NFTs, bet on other Crypto Kids challenges, or cash out at any time and maybe even go on a deeply discounted cruise on one of our sewer sea sailing vessels.

Call To Action.

Giving birth doesn't have to be a painful and financially compromising event that marks an end to your own personal and professional aspirations anymore! Raising kids doesn't have to be a burden either, thanks to Crypto Kids. Thanks to our expert team of reptilian inbred lobbyists with secret society ties to the global cannibal and adrenochrome addicted elite, it isn't even technically illegal anymore either. You can actually sell your kids souls into the same world of profitability and performance based exploitation as they will inevitably be slaughtered anyway- without any conflict of conscience and in a way that may actually profit you as well. Sound too good to be true? Then you are the perfect parent to join our platform. Sell your kids futures today, and find out what your own soul is worth at the same time! Visit cryptokids.moloch.biz today, and start making fictional fortunes crypto cash today! 

Legal Obligatory Statement

CryptoKids will not be held legally liable for anything ever under any circumstances other than those involving the claims of Satan himself as previously agreed upon in accordance with the sell of  the souls of this company's founders in exchange for certain undisclosed crypto-crap. When the world is left in the ashes of all the fraud, greed, stupidity, sloth, wrath, and other abominations of this current cultural collapse, CryptoKids can assure you only that it will have no association with any force aligned with any god, code of ethics, or human decency as is standard operating procedures of all fiduciary institutions. Should you lose your soul, savings, future, humanity, and anything or everything else as a result of investing in CryptoKids, you will be on your own entirely, and should not expect the empathy or understanding of any omnipotent deity, including Satan himself.