"Where do these-things come from?" She muttered in bewilderment. "I swear to... if I have to hire one of these-things to fill the position... Aren't there any half-normal humanoid-beings left to hire?" Shaking her rhetorical-head in disbelief she gazed longingly into the abyss that always seemed to form near her feet in moments such as this. Her secretary tried to convey understanding in a perplexed expression as she stood in the doorway awaiting instructions. "Send in the next applicant. -Please."
The secretary made subtle haste to retrieve the next applicant. As the secretary returned she informed the HR manager that this was the last applicant of the day. After thanking the secretary, the HR manager introduced herself to the applicant by name. She attempted to shake the applicant's hand, but was left lingering in the unoccupied space. Then the applicant started addressing her.
"I'll maek dis quik, cuze I gots bettur pschyt ta du."
She held her composure as if by some miracle, and managed to ask the applicant.
"So what brought you to our company?"
The applicant extended a small slip of paper towards her as he showed annoyance with her question.
"I gots ta sho fur sum intervuze ta gets meye unimploymunt. Heer, sine dis pschyt sew I kan gets outta heer."
She looked at the parking-slip that the applicant insisted she sign. For reasons unknown to her, she didn't just write things off then and there.
"How long have you been looking for-"
"-Lisun heer MissEe, I kan gets au jawb anE tyme I wunts. I aent no damm slaeve dou, an 'speciully fur no skurt-runn joynt lik dis-heer too-bitt-hoal-n-da-wahl playse. Jus sine meye pschyt sew I kan gets outta heer, Daime. I aent haevin ta tak no lipp frum sum hussE nobudE."
She only waited for the applicant to finish speaking in hopes of managing to avoid saying what she was thinking. As the air fell dead at the end of his words, she felt a murderous rage of speech erupting.
"Take your little-stub, and cram it up your worthless-lazy-head-holstering-anus! That is, if your giant-swollen-empty-head isn't packed-in there too tightly to fit it. If you haven't spent all your unemployment money on forged a G.E.D., a prosthetic-phalluce for urinalysis fraud, and your obvious substance-addictions, you can pay the parking yourself. If you can't afford that, try applying for suicide-assistance under the get-the-phuk-out-of-my-office program. Now if you'll excuse me, I have something you'll never understand to do. WORK."
She pointed to the door with a finger attached to a hand that wished to be a mighty fist.
"Hoald awn a sekund ther tootz. No neede ta gets Ur pantEs n a wadd. Aent meye fult ya gots ah stik upp yer ahss. I doan neede ta tak pschit ahff sum-budy elzus' bytch. I yam outta heer aniwhey, ya dumm kunt."
The applicant strutted out of the office, and muttered expletive pejoratives sporadically as he departed the lobby. She followed him as far as the lobby, and then called out to her secretary to keep an eye on him until he had left the building. Her secretary called the building's security to assist her with this task.
Security watched the applicant on their monitors as he went into other offices within the building. He stole office supplies, ate food from one of the break-room refrigerators, forged a signature onto his stub, smashed various pieces of equipment, &c, &c, &c. Then as the security guards went to escort him out, he ran into one of the restrooms, and locked himself inside.
Inside the restroom the applicant began doing some cocaine that he had brought along with him. It was low-quality stuff, so he did a lot of it. Then he managed to destroy a toilet, a sink, and cause water to begin flooding onto the floor. As the water burst and filled the restroom he unlocked the door, and went crashing out.
The security guards were unable to corral the applicant, and he went screaming down the hallways.
"I gonna soo ahll a U lowsE kunz! U aent gonna gets mee, I gonna gets U! Phukerz!!!"
The local police were contacted to assist after the applicant commenced to smash several windows. There was a patrol just down the street when the call came through, and they arrived quickly on the scene. They used their tasers to gain compliance an apprehend the applicant.
After escorting the applicant out of the building and into their patrol-car, the officers began taking statements. When the HR manager was asked what happened, she gave a disavowing account.
"He came in for a job interview in order to continue receiving unemployment benefits. I guess this is how he applies himself."
The cops informed her that the applicant had several priors, none of which were included on his resume or application. His name was the only thing that matched any officially documented records. This was the opposite of surprising.
Later that same day the applicant was released from police custody. The building manager agreed not to press charges in order to avoid a law-suit. According to the building manager's attorney the applicant was likely to win the suit if it were to go to court. A small settlement sum was also awarded to the applicant.
It has been almost 2 years since this incident took place. The applicant is still drawing from unemployment due to some clerical errors, extensions, special circumstances, &c, &c, &c. He has been arrested and released a total of 72 times since then. At least 4 women are involved in paternity suits with him, including his common-law spouse that pays for his living expenses. She accepts beatings from him at least 3 times per week as a result of his methamphetamine addiction, and for being what he calls "ah twott and ah trahllup".
His unemployment is due to run out within another 6 weeks. In anticipation of this he has applied for several subsidies for low-income-and-other-less-fortunate-persons. He has also been attending several various churches of assorted faiths. Some of them have even accepted his applications for ministry in foreign lands. An application has also been sent to the general-welfare office in his area. All of these applications are currently pending.
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